The hardest things to say no to are often the things that matter.
Long before Remington became Chief Happiness Officer at Strategic People Solutions, there was Beretta, my first Great Dane therapy dog. Remi follows in Beretta’s paw-steps, continuing a Great Dane tradition that has taught me a great deal about leadership, relationships, and the choices we make about where to spend our time and energy. When is it appropriate to say no?
When Beretta was alive, we were constantly being invited somewhere. Nursing homes asked us to visit. I was invited to bring him to workshops and presentations. Girl Scout groups wanted him at their meetings. Hospitals and hospice rooms welcomed the comfort that a very large, very gentle Great Dane could provide. They were wonderful invitations, and that was precisely the problem.
When Everything Seems Worthwhile
It would have been easy to say no if the requests hadn’t mattered. But they did. I knew what Beretta’s presence could mean to someone in a nursing home or hospital room. I watched children light up when this enormous dog walked into a room. I saw how quickly he could create a connection between people who might otherwise have had very little to say to one another.
So when someone called and asked us to come, my natural response was to try to find a way to make it happen. There was always one more organization we could visit, one more group we could speak to, and one more person Beretta might comfort.
Eventually, however, I had to recognize that there were more worthwhile opportunities than Beretta and I had the capacity to accept. And somewhere among all those requests, I also had to make sure there was still time for me and Beretta simply to be me and Beretta.
Being Needed Can Make No Difficult
I think many accomplished women understand this dilemma.
Over the years, we become known as people who can be counted on. We know how to organize the event, chair the committee, solve the problem, mentor the new person, serve on the board, take responsibility for the project, or step in when someone else needs help. And because we’re good at those things, people keep asking.
There’s something gratifying about being asked. An invitation can affirm our experience and remind us that our contribution is valued. Sometimes we’re genuinely excited about the opportunity. Other times we hear ourselves saying yes before we’ve really considered whether we want to do it at all.
The difficulty isn’t always that we don’t know how to say no. Sometimes the difficulty is that being needed feels very much like having a good reason to say yes. But being needed is not the same as being obligated.
A Worthy Invitation Can Still Deserve a No
I’ve come to believe that this is one of the more difficult forms of discernment, particularly as we become more experienced. There will always be worthwhile things we could do. The question becomes whether they deserve some of the capacity we have available now.
That means we can’t evaluate an invitation only by asking, “Is this important?” or “Could I make a contribution?” The answer to both questions may very well be yes. We also need to ask, “If I say yes to this, what am I choosing to give less of myself to?”
Every yes occupies something—an evening, an afternoon, some mental energy, preparation time, travel time, or simply the space we might otherwise have left open. The cost of an invitation isn’t always visible when we’re being asked. We often discover it later, when the calendar is full again.
That’s why something can be meaningful, worthwhile, and perfectly suited to our abilities—and still deserve a no.
This Matters When We’re Designing What Comes Next
This becomes particularly important when we’re moving into a different season of our lives or businesses. We may finally have created some room after years of carrying responsibilities that no longer belong to us. And almost immediately, other people can begin offering perfectly good suggestions for what we should do with that room. The challenge is not to become unavailable or unwilling to contribute. Quite the opposite. It’s to become more intentional about where our contribution matters most to us now.
For much of our lives, opportunities may have helped shape the direction we took. At some point, however, I think we earn the right—and perhaps accept the responsibility—to become much more selective about which opportunities get to shape what comes next.
Remi’s Takeaway
Remington never had the opportunity to know Beretta, but she certainly follows in his paw-steps. Like Beretta, she has an extraordinary ability to connect with people, and I suspect there will always be more places she could go, people she could meet, and opportunities she could accept than we will ever have time for.
Beretta taught me that I didn’t have to accept every invitation simply because we could do something worthwhile with it. That’s a lesson worth carrying forward. A worthy invitation can still deserve a no. And perhaps the question isn’t simply whether you’re capable of saying yes. It’s whether this particular yes deserves some of the life you’re building now.
A Question to Consider
Think about the last three things someone asked you to do—a committee, a project, an event, a volunteer responsibility, a professional opportunity, or simply a request for your time.
If you were asked again today, would you still say yes to all three?
You don’t have to regret a yes to realize that you might choose differently now.
Continue the Conversation
If this brought to mind an invitation you’re considering—or something you’ve already said yes to and are now questioning—I’d be interested in hearing about it.
What are you being asked to make room for right now?
You can send me a note and tell me what’s making the decision difficult. Sometimes putting the question into words is the first step toward deciding whether this particular invitation deserves your yes.
Ann & Remi